the mind swim

It’s nearly 11pm and though I know Master would have me in bed and sleeping by now I just can’t. 

The move is just over a week away and no matter how much planning we do it never seems like I’m ready. 

Now before the “are you sure about this?” questions come, I am SO sure. I am SO certain. I am SO ready. So why don’t I feel ready? 

I’ve lived in this city since I was 5 years old. My father is the only living parent that I have and all of the family that I am closest too are here. My ex, who is my good friend and the father of my children is here and my friend who I knew since I was 5 is here. All of those things, those people, those emotions are here… but my love, my love is there. 

The love of my life, the person who I have bared my entire soul to the way that I have never been able to do with anyone else… He is well over 2,000 miles away and I need to be with Him.

I made the decision, long before it was spoken in words, that my heart was His and needed to be wherever He was. Now that we have decided that it is the right time to do it I am having all of these feelings. I’ll miss my family, mainly in distance because we rarely see each other and I’ll miss certain things and memories that I have here… however it is time. 

These past few weeks leading up to my flight have been anxiety-ridden. I’ve taken more of my anti-anxiety meds in the past month than I have had to take in a long while. 

I get nervous thinking about the flight, about the things that I am shipping, about the people i am leaving behind, my pups and how they will do on the flight and even a little nervous about actually living with my Master. 

Whaaaaaaat? I know, I know. We have been together for nearly nine years and have spent time together and slept in the same bed and yet it will be different. 

Sharing the same space, habits that we will learn of each other, the pups adjusting to carpeting (insert nervous face here), my “slight” case of OCD, bathroom time (haha!)… all of these little things are not so little when you have anxiety and they all start to whirl in your head giving you the mind swim. 

Yes, the mind swim is what I call it though I am sure it has been named plenty of other things but to me this is the most appropriate. At a moments thought I could say that my anxiety makes me feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in emotions and thoughts but… it is a mind swim. It’s all in my head and though I KNOW that everything will work out, I KNOW that this is what I want and I KNOW that we will be happy… I still feel like my brain is drowning in all of these feelings and it causes me to have these physical reactions that I hate. 

I’m clumsy, forgetful, my heart feels like it wants to burst out of my chest sometimes. It causes me headaches and tension in my shoulders and back and I wish it would stop. 

Master and I promised to document this journey that we are on and I promised that it would be the good and the bad so here it is. 

9 more days. 

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